Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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