I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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