Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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