I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize