party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
