i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
