i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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