I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
