Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
