i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
