Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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