i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
