That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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