i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
