I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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