he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
