The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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