you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
did i walk over a car last night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
