i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
