Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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