Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
