I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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