i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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