chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
