Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
