his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
