I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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