I looked at my own cervix.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Randomize
