I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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