Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh god it's open bar.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
