I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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