Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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