Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize