Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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