You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize