the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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