I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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