Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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