Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
