I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Boobs speak an international language.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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