oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
