Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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