Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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