I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
