Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
