allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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