I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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