besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
