I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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