Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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