So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
