meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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