When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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