So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
