i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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