nut hugger
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
